This may be what kills me.
In that moment Xanus could control nothing but his thoughts and if he could have moved his lips, he would’ve begged for it to not be his last.
After everything he’d been through, for this to be the way he died seemed too cruel, but there was nothing he could do. He was paralysed by a force greater than his own. It made the brutal scream building in his throat choke him and his arms feel like they were tethered and being pulled away from his body, all the while there was a continuous strain at his heart as it was physically stolen from him.
It was just the latest in a string of brutalities. Being cast from his family had meant that at every opportunity, at every move, there was some being ready to create a reason to torture him. He was a play thing to the evil minds that wished to see him suffer.
At first they’d just ripped his wings from his body, cursing him to live as a mortal, before casting him into a dark pit. When he’dmanaged to drag himself up, all they saw was another opportunity to kick him down, ripping an ear from his head. Then, when he’ddared to look at one of the beings that hurt him, he’d been pinned to the earth and his eyes had been pecked away by crows whose beaks had felt like needles.
In some ways that was now a blessing. Xanus didn’t have to watch as steel fingers ripped through skin and wound their way around his heart, before violently ripping. His heart yanked against blood vessels, muscle, every connection to his body, before tearing. With every piece of him that was severed away from his heart, he felt a little more release from this moment and in that moment he would’ve asked for all the pain in the world to just be able to delay that release a little longer.
Every little movement sent agony not just through his body, but through his soul. He felt all the chances for beauty being ripped from his grasp. All the cherished memories were becoming dull in colour as they lost their warmth, the opportunities to make more vanished. It hurt in ways he would never be able to voice.
It was a loss that was unlike all the others. Every other time he found ways to manage. He’d found something new to replace the loss, something to help him continue on. He’d been able to shoulder the burden and move on.
This time felt so much different, so much worse. It felt like an ending. Like there was no more hope and he would never experience happiness or anything good again. There was no movement or sound that could express the agony that coursed through his body and just as he thought everything would finally end…everything crashed back into him.
His heart was finally separated from his body, leaving him empty even as movement returned to his limbs. Though strength flooded back into his body he couldn’t find it within himself to stand. He couldn’t do more than curl into himself, trying to cradle the aching wound in his chest.
“Why?” He whispered, “why take this from me?”
Hot tears hit his cheeks as he ground his teeth. He didn’t understand why it still hurt without his heart. Surely this loss would have at least taken away every last feeling of pain.
“Why are you so cruel?!” He screamed before breaking into choking sobs.
He rocked himself, feeling as if an end would have been better. Anything would’ve been better than this. An eternity of torment…Xanus stopped. That was exactly what he’d been given. They’d finally found a way to give him an eternity of endless torment with no hope of anything good ever happening to him again.
Xanus just laid there. No will to think, feel, or move ever again. For all he cared he could rot in this spot.
As he laid there and wallowed in the darkness, a small pinch of warmth touched him, followed by a soft voice whispering, “no creature deserves this end.”
Softness touched his cheeks, caressing across the scars, touching the spaces where his eyes had once been. Heat filled all the wounds in his body and a new ache started in his chest. It was an ache for something that could be, a response to this warmth and light he felt.
A hazy golden light filled his vision, obscuring the image of a person in front of him.
“Why?” He croaked.
He didn’t understand why he was being given a relief. Was this a trick? Was everything being returned to him so that it could be stolen again? Because he would die if he had to endure this agony again.
The warmth slipped away and he braced himself for the agony to return, but it didn’t. Instead he could now see a young woman kneeling in front of him. Her face was still blurred by that bright hazy light and her hair seemed to glow.
“This is no trick,” her voice was tender as she sensed his thoughts, “I watched the cruelty that befell you tonight and it was too much. No creature deserves to suffer that sort of heartbreak, so I’m returning to you what I can.”
Xanus had lifted himself up to see her better, but dropped back with a sigh, feeling the emptiness in his chest, “thank you, but you shouldn’t have bothered. I don’t have any reason to go on.”
The woman lifted one shoulder, “then that is your choice, but at least now you have a choice and if you truly desire your heart back…I’m sure you’ll find the resolve to retrieve it.”
Xanus went to look at her again, but she had gone.
It was a possibility he had never considered. He’d never thought that he could take anything back, but that was what he’d done for so long. Finding small ways to take back control, to give himself life again. Even before he’d been gifted his sight again, he could’ve fought for his heart.
No matter what they took, it was one thing they didn’t seem to be able to reach. His ability to decide for himself, to decide whether he would accept the torment and allow it to destroy him or stand against it and find something better.
Standing up he felt angry with himself, angry that he’d nearly allowed them to take that. The rage settled in that empty space where his heart had been and melted into something stronger, harder. Determination.
He wouldn’t allow this to continue. They’d come too close to destroying him and he wouldn’t allow them to steal anything from him anymore.
“I’m going to get my heart back,” he spoke to himself before casting his eyes upwards, “do you hear me?! You can’t keep it, I won’t let you!”
The world trembled around him and he knew they’d heard. It didn’t frighten him though, it drove him to start on his journey. He would take back what was stolen from him and show them that he deserved more. That small measure of kindness and care he’d been given was enough to prove that to him.
It wasn’t his eyesight that was returned to him, but his fight. He may have to prove his worth to others, but he knew it within himself once more. That was enough to make him stand his ground and fight against the very heavens themselves.
By Edwina Cooke
*This was originally published in the ‘Tertangala: Heartbreak Issue’ (2024)