Sex Robot Advice Column

I just discovered that when my partner has sex with their robot, they exclusively get it off.

I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks, and things are going well so far – we have a lot in common, enjoy each other’s company, and enjoy having sex with each other. They also have a sex robot they’ve had for a while, but we haven’t used it together yet.

We were talking the other day about what we like in bed, and I asked if they did anything differently with the robot than with another person – no judgement in that, I get that its different and can be a great way to explore things or be selfish. They said the exact opposite. They were a little shy about it, but they said that they pretty much just get the sex robot to orgasm. Over and over.

Ok, fun? They told me they don’t have penetrative sex with the robot, or receive oral/hand stuff from the robot, they just get the robot off. They said they don’t cum most of the time either. Umm….huh? I don’t know why you would buy a robot just to get them off and not get anything back? Like when we have sex, we usually both cum, and there’s reciprocity with focusing on each other’s pleasure. They’re wasting all their selfless energy on a robot that isn’t a real person when they could be directing that energy my way – not that I feel like I’m entitled to it, I just don’t know why, if you’re into just giving, that’s something you reserve for something that isn’t a real person.

I said I was a bit surprised, since we haven’t done that – just focus on getting me off – that often. They didn’t really have much to say about it, but now anytime I’m reminded of the robot I’m weirdly jealous. Why does it get something I don’t? I wasn’t that bothered by them having a robot in the first place, but now it feels like it’s taking something from me, or like I’m intruding on a sexual relationship that was here before I was. I feel like I’m supposed to respect that they have this thing they want to do, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with me, but I just don’t feel that way. I feel like I’d be open to sharing that experience with them, and having them instead want to do it with the robot makes me feel put aside. It’s embarrassing to be passed over for a robot.

Now I feel like I kind of resent reciprocating when we’re having sex, since I just think that if I was a robot that I wouldn’t have to… which isn’t something I ever thought about before. I actually really like helping my partner feel pleasure, and I like being equal partners without feeling like it’s a tit-for-tat situation in sex especially. I was never bothered before about having sex just focused on their pleasure every now and then, I normally find that really exciting. Now I just feel a bit sour about it, and I can’t help that thought popping into my head during sex, which is really taking me out of it.

I’m also feeling scared of us bringing the sex robot into our shared sex. Before this, I wouldn’t have any hang-ups about it, but now I feel like I’d be signing up for humiliation. They haven’t asked to include it, but I’m not sure that I’d be able to hold it together if they did. How could I explain to them that I’m so scared that they’d just focus on the robot (instead of the person with feelings they’re in a relationship with) that I don’t think I can risk it. I can’t believe I’m jealous of a robot.

On one hand, you’re right, them enjoying getting the robot off doesn’t have anything to do with you – especially since they’ve been doing it since before you even met.

However, maybe the robot is actually helping you here. You and your partner enjoy having sex with each other, and part, not all, of that is technique. Your partner spending hours and hours focusing on getting this robot off is likely paying dividends in terms of your satisfaction with your sex life together. Nice.

I think you might have missed some motivating factors here – yes, there might be some energy your partner is directing towards the robot that you may prefer to be directed to you – but your partner might also be seeing their ‘sex’ with the robot as something else. Maybe it’s more of a game, where they’re trying to get the robot off as many times as possible, and is a lot less like having sex with an actual person. Maybe they see getting the robot off as more like training, where they’re working on technique and ability – which they can then use with their actual sex partners.

It doesn’t sound like your partner really told you (and you didn’t ask) about why this was what they liked to do with the robot. Pretty big blind spot.

The other factor here is that you have only been seeing each other for a few weeks – in this time, you’re satisfied with your sex life together (aside from developing your own neuroses about this robot). It also makes sense that you and your partner may not be as comfortable or secure in your relationship that talking about this kind of thing is easy. It also makes sense that even if what they’re really into is getting their partner off without reciprocation, they might not want to set a standard for that so early in the relationship that you become entitled, and resent if they might want to get off too. They might not want that all the time, or they might have experienced what it does to a relationship for it to start off so imbalanced – even though it sounds like fun for you.

A huge factor that I think you’re missing here is your attitude. You don’t like sex to be tit-for-tat, but you don’t see why you would focus on making your partner feel good unless you get something out of it. There’s some core belief you have that sex is transactional – why give the robot orgasms when you’re not in a relationship with it? Why focus on my partner’s pleasure if I don’t get a reciprocal session? It sounds like you actually don’t care as much about making your partner feel good, as you do about some vague concept of ‘equality’. Expecting your partner to care that you’re having a good time is a pretty low bar. Keeping some sort of mental tally of what you’re owed, and having your partner’s activities – which you agree have nothing to do with you – affect that tally of what you’re owed is unreal. Especially since before you knew, you were happy with your sex life. How does your partner giving a robot orgasms take away from your pleasure?

Your implicit accounting of ‘for me’, ‘for you’ and keeping a balance of your partner’s debt for services rendered is bizarre when you’re actually satisfied. It sounds like you don’t realise you’re even doing it. With that framework firmly in place, obviously it would be difficult for you to understand your partner’s activities – and hard for them to talk to you about it.

I think you need to grow up a bit – you like(d) your sex life, and you’re right that it’s silly to be jealous of a robot. What your partner does here doesn’t entitle you to anything, and you can’t seriously expect that much when you’re not brave enough to talk to them about it properly.